The Womb

Disclaimer: Read only if you appreciate food crumbs that collide with drool (and prefer detail to denial). Otherwise, cutie is drooly instead of cutie-patootie...

This story's photo-bomb

Just minutes before my 10 a.m. departure to head back to far-away home, after 4 active days at the grands' homestead, I remember my teeth. Because of busyness and a brain that isn't used to 24/4 multi-tasking, less attention was given to trivial things like my mouth, and hair styling, and make-up, etc. Survival is the name of the game. Some say Chinese water torture, I say, brain exercise; or, Olympics weight-lifting (lifting a 3-year-old into a car seat at my age deserves a medal); and even, a stretch to flashback material for "This Is US;" and/or, "Gilmore Girls" (The Edge of Reason) random chatty.

My teeth are clean, but slimy, destructive critters are growing in between, in dire need of a flossing. I quietly slip into the basement stairway and sit. The stairway is the width of spread-elbows and walled. It offers a peaceful, centering-moment prior to goodbyes, and it feels so good. It is a tight, but cozy and safe place. My luggage is situated together at the curved portion of the stairway, which is a bit wider than all of my luggage. I rarely travel light. One heavy suitcase holds the weight of a kitchen sink. And there is a duffel bag with clothes and two other catchalls with DeDe toys and DeDe food. All are ready to be carried to and packed into the car. 

I dig for the floss and start the slippery cleaning process that really needs three hands. All of a sudden the basement door cracks open and there is our "little." With binky in-mouth which, at times, is like a temporary Mr. Potato Head face feature, or a carrying handle on her lips like a handle on a portable dollhouse. Binky is there at bed times and at times when she is uncertain and wants company. The mid-morning binky-fix means that Nana's and DeDe's departure is creating uncertainty. She was liking her Nana/"little"/DeDe trio and our sandwich-like hand-holding walks to brother's bus stop, and book-reading, and giggling times.

Our "little" sits on the step above, and the tight space turns into a brief cocoon or womb. Roles shift, and rather than me observing her play, she watches DeDe perform her slimy deed. I say "hello, cutie." And even though the drool is scary, I lean in to kiss her (actually to kiss her binky which sometimes is a safe barrier, this time between my flossy lips and her foody lips). The extraordinary thing about affectionate 2-year-olds, who are drawn to their safe grandparents, is that after the kiss, she, unsolicited, leans in and gives me a long hug. I kiss her binky again, and she unexpectedly leans in to hug me again.

It's about the womb and B.C.-baggage

And later, the feelings associated with that stairway experience trigger an akin deja-vu reminder, to a special niche in my home. My War Womb. It is located in a small corner of the utility room. With one quick adjustment, a cocoon or womb is created between the coat closet door and the door to the garage. Which is about the width of my daughter's basement stairway. It is a quiet, me-zone, that sometimes is the last place that I think I should be. But I know, that I know, my mind needs centering. 

At times, too many days and experiences pass between visits to my womb. And slimy-like, destructive critters grow that need to be "flossed" away. I need Jesus more than anyone on this planet! I slip away into the womb to perform de-cluttering of my mind and cleaning of my heart. 

Roles shift from busyness to concerns for others; and, too, some B.C. [before Christ] -baggage bubbles up. Heavy, generational, kitchen-sink and other baggage. I feel entitled and insecure, and it can debilitate me. Scarcity overtakes abundance. I am needy, with attachment issues and feelings of invisible. Like warring and disparate universes. Why can't we live closer to our "littles"? What about my husband's career aspirations that fizzled? And, the mother of all wars: Why did I never really experience a grandma's love? and, why did I lose my mom suddenly and so young? before the generational baton was passed or communicated? 

Garbled heritage as deep as mine is rarely ready to be received by others. The family code of silence is deafening. 

With God's help and sublingual vitamin B-12,* these thoughts and the feelings associated with them don't pull me down as much as they did in years past. I recognize them, and I eventually find time to face them, head-on, in my cathartic War Womb. And then I wait. In my womb. Where I need to feel visible to a Holy God. It is the thing I prefer to avoid because Holy is scarier than a "little's" drooly. Nevertheless, I have learned that God's presence is what I need most. 

God provides inspiration and a fresh, clean presence. And, I feel the desire to lean in closer to Him. And I pray for others. And then, immediately, or sometimes it is throughout that day or the next (maybe when I am listening to music or driving in the car) I AM responds, with a long hug !Huge! Grand is what it is. As illogical as it may seem, His hug is even more grand than one from any of my "littles." Lord, I wait for you; you will answer, Lord my God (Psalm 38:15).

¯You say good-bye, and I say hello¯ to unexpected, simple, cutie-patootie, and to other, experiences and MEMORIES. Sigh.

(For my memory: Grand hugs; balloon fascination; bus stop Nana/"little"/DeDe hand-holding walks, like a sandwich; Duplo- and Lego- and Mouse Trap-building; book-reading; movie-dance giggling; and booty [stair] sledding).

*Sublingual B-12 means that this special form of vitamin is placed under the tongue to dissolve. After a few minutes, others swallow it, but I spit it out and rinse my mouth thoroughly (three times). Never swallowing any B-12 because my digestive system fights it. There are two of the many things I have learned through dispelling heritage research: My maternal great-grandfather and his sister both died of Pernicious Anemia. Which results from the inability to absorb B-12. And, I need Jesus more than anyone on this planet!!!