Mutual Long-Distance Naturals

     I peruse a Friday morning garage sale and find a pair of blue $2 Crocs for my grandson. The pair I bought him over a year ago still work, but a new pair might be good. My daughter gives the "Go" as I peruse more items, still chatting with her on the cell phone.

     [DeDe] Here are 2 clean princess dress-up costumes, with Cinderella and Ariel bling. The $2/each deal is hard to pass up, but your boys certainly don't need them.

     [Daughter] Nana might want the dresses for her granddaughter. When we're together at her place you can give them to her then. Call to see if she wants the gems. 

     Ring, ring. Good morning! and yada, yada. (Nana is getting ready for Friday morning treasure-hunting, too, in her 3-hours-away neck-of-the-woods.)

     I definitely want the dresses! Even if they're a bit more than $2 each. Just this week she was playing dress-up and will love them. See you in a couple of weeks.

     Bling-o. Yet another opportune, naturally occurring (as opposed to contrived) Mothers-in-Law Mutual moment, with 150 miles separating us. Fences make for good neighbors, and I suppose miles inspire creative connection opportunities.

Cinderelly abundance mindset quells Steps-scarcity?

Mutual Food For Thought

     I never imagined that parents could praise their children too much! The following information is from a child professional guest on The Today Show, and might be interesting food for thought... you decide... 

     How much praise is too much? Excessive praise, or the wrong kind, lowers your child's motivation, effort, and self-esteem.

Four signs you are praising too much:

1. Child is self-centered (me, me, me--forget about other team members).
2. Child becomes praise-dependent.
3. They get used to praise and expect accolades for every small thing.
4. They are too competitive and, tear down others.

Healthy ways to build up children:

1. Stress the effort rather than the end product ("My, how hard you are working!").
2. Use praise-free comments: "You did it all by yourself!" OR ask a question instead: "How did you get that bike all the way down the street without the training wheels?" "What excited you about that project?"
3. Switch your praise = "You should be proud of yourself" NOT "I'm so proud of you."

The best homes:

• Have equal parts of "I feel worthy" and "I also feel capable to handle life."
• Are less permissive.
• Have opportunities to be listened to and heard.

When using praise, be:

• specific
• short
• sincere

     Children need to figure things out for themselves. If something doesn't work out well, ask your child:  "What can you do different the next time?"

     The good news? Grandchildren NEED authentic Mothers-in-Law Mutual praise. One creative idea I learned from a well-seasoned Grandma: I tell my grandchildren: "I love you more than___________... (applesauce? cookies? brownies? furry kittens?)..." It is a fun back-and-forth activity, figuring out a word to fill in the creative blank.

Mutual & Synchronized Take-Aways

This little Nana went to market, this little DeDe stayed home...

     Our 2-year-old is sitting on a substantial ottoman in his living room chillin’ to Daniel the Tiger. Mommy, Nana, and Dede are also in the room. Nana bought him the coolest, new, black suede, TOMS shoes at a second-hand store. We are all eager to see if they fit, so it's try-on time; or, will it instead be a trying time for Mommy?


     Let’s see if your new shoes fit!

     The immediate reply is: No.

     Aw, come on. Let’s just put one on, real fast. Mommy will take it right off.

     No.

     Nana and DeDe watch for the moment of truth. Uncomfortable shoe times fill all of our memory banks, so disciplining him to cooperate seems senseless. My motto is: Carefully select your battles with a teen AND a 2-year-old.

     A creative thought enters our minds:  JUST CLOSE YOUR EYES and Mommy will put the shoes on, real fast!

     To our bewilderment, he barely flinches and turns onto his stomach. He not only closes his eyes, but covers them; AND, he lifts his feet into the air assuming the pose: Okay, I’ll cooperate…. but only with my eyes closed. Put the shoes on please. 

     Mommy quickly slips on the shoes… and they fit like a charm! He likes them and actually leaves the TOMS on.

     Astonished Mommy asks: From where did that eye-closing idea come? And why did it work?

     This incident reminds me of a years-ago commercial, with hard-to-crack little Mikey being coaxed to take a scrumptious Life cereal bite. Mikey finally eats a spoonful, smiles, and big brother triumphantly exclaims: He likes it!!! Mikey likes it!!!

Mutual & synchronized take-aways: 

• If at first you don't succeed, think creatively.
• Eyes might need to be closed AND covered to soften some risky endeavors!
• Two Mothers-in-Law Mutual are better than none.

Mutual Hugs & Tugs

     This blog is transparent, personal, brutally honest, and would best be for my eyes only, except to share a key ingredient of Mothers-in-Law Mutual. Humility.

     Sometimes when I dialog with others I share more than an earful of words. I ramble. My insightful "yada, yada" turns to a significance-seeking, one-way, pummeling jabber-fest. At times I am... TOO. It particularly happens with those close to me, like when I visit my oh, so patient, gentle-spirited, highly-competent, long-distance daughter and my sister-in-law.

     During a 2013 extended stay, we had what I will label as our first-ever emotionally disruptive mother/ married daughter blubbery word exchange. The timing was ironic, because it was right after our first-ever Mother/ Daughter banquet together.

     The banquet was an overall delight, with special people, flowers, etched glassware, and all things pretty. On our way home, naturally I energetically chatter about the evening which segues to my one-way jabber-fest. My daughter responds with what I receive as a hurtful comment, and I over-react. 

     We are both tearful, and upon arriving to her place I plug my ears and make a quiet bee-line to my room. Talking any further, after a long and tiring day, would be an ugly, reactive, royal blubber-fest. Instead, I journal and experience a lonely, tearful, contemplative night.

      Fortunately, by early morning, rather than beating myself up further, this insightful and relieving thought almost knocks me out of bed: It's normal!! 

      Boing and duh! My shaken nerves are almost immediately calmed, which allows me to mentally enter into her world. We are rubbing shoulders together 24/7, her pregnancy hormones are surely piqued, and she doesn't need to deal with my ACOA (Adult Child of an Alcoholic) affirmation-seeking seriousness. My response can deepen our relationship. Thank you for this stretching... opportunity! 

      I head downstairs to positively "face the music," clear the air, and eat honey-nut crow. We calmly address each other's comments and that my response was TOO. We agree that our tension is "normal." The fog evaporates and the "peace pipe" is passed. After our restorative mother/daughter hug, the air smells fresher; spring flowers dance with color; sun reflections sparkle off the windows; and clouds are whiter.

     Despite severe sleep deprivation and my daughter's busy schedule, we walk on water. We are supercharged, and I prepare to cherish another rare grandson and daughter-filled day.
 
       Bonus jabber-fest: During my hours-long drive home, I reflect on my jabbering and its effect on upcoming visits. Future over-chattering is inevitable, and a respectfully-timed visual cue from my daughter might be beneficial (like vintage Carol Burnett's loving ear tug at the end of her weekly shows. She was sending a non-verbal message to her grandmother that she loved her. The story about her childhood and special ear tugs are touching.) 

       Maybe I will suggest the Carol Burnett ear tug gesture as my daughter's caring signal: I love you, Mom... but you have majorly entered into TOO-land. But, then again, maybe not!

This year's 2014 Mother/Daughter Royal Place-holder
Gutsy Mermaid Ariel

    A 2013 Mother/Daughter banquet, as well as 2014's "royal" banquet, pictured, are memorable experiences. Nanas and DeDes with a mutual bond to positively propel generations are gutsy. Like beautiful "Ariels" who swim against the flow. This motivation and others compel an invisible "GenJoneser" to quietly surface, compiling vintage and new memoir posts into one distinctive (sabbatical distractive) series of blogs: Mothers-in-Law Mutual.

Mutual Minutes

     I reflect on sabbatical times and the invaluable stretching and strengthening of my emotions and spirit, as well as its mothers-in-law mutual effect. I compare it to grueling training, like preparing for a marathon. I have stretched... my meager writing skills, penning a therapeutic, heritage-investigating Memoir and then strengthened that information through blogs. 

     Many tears were shed... some were guilt-ridden, wishing I had been a better mother and daughter; some were joyful gratitude-filled tears, for undeserved mercy extended to this adult child of an alcoholic; others were just plain weary tears.

     Patience and perseverance STRENGTHEN me, and I see this most annoying revelation tied to decision-making and relationships: In many situations there is actually more than one "right" option. Grunt! Groan! Oomph! and argh! In other words, I lack omniscient powers. I will try to not sweat... the small stuff anyway. I will carefully choose my sweating battles. Happy day!

    To interact positively with family and others, patience and flexibility s-t-r-e-t-c-h my kindness quotient. I actually aspire to give more than I get, with no expectations in return; but, why are those muscles for "extra-giving" so tight? It feels like I am performing the (muscle-tearing) Chinese splits.

    I reflect on a heartwarming activity--interacting with my, too tremendous, 2-year-old. We were all anxiously counting the days before the birth of his brother when a treasured opportunity helped to pass time. For me, it did not disappoint. Mom and Dad enjoyed a rare, together, dinner-&-movie date. I (DeDe) babysat. This aspiring blogger now forever captures a close encounter moment.

     It is a busy and long day for the little guy, with just one 20-minute cat nap in the car. By 6:00 p.m. his eyelids are like lead weights, succumbing to brief, eye-closure kitty naps. He heroically fights committing to the early, sissy bedtime. Mom and Dad can no longer delay their movie-departure and say hesitant "goodbyes," making our little guy's tears flow freely. I gently share, "I know you're sad. It's scary when Mommy and Daddy leave."

    He sucks up his tears and bravely distracts himself, watching TVs Daniel the Tiger. With his back to me, I patiently wait for

the opportune time and avenue to enter his adorable, play-filled world. We end up experiencing the backyard, playing in the sandbox and throwing balls. He then overturns a large, deep-crevice rock to uncover a "holy cow" buried treasure. A zillion frightened roly-poly bugs scatter for their lowly lives.

     How do I convince this over-tired little guy to head upstairs to relax for sleep? DeDe is supposed to be the gullible spoiler rather than the edgy enforcer. I opt for the stretching approach, using patient flexibility. After a short time, no convincing is needed, because shock of all shocks, he initiates the long climb to his bedroom. I turn out the lights, sit in his memory-filled rocker, and talk about the busy day, with his special world of colorful balls, Daniel the Tiger, petting zoo pigs, ducks and horses, and family dog Brodie. 

     Maybe he is bored listening to my quiet chatter, because the next thing I know he climbs up, nestles his back into my welcoming lap, and closes his weary eyelids. Gentle muscle and face twitches begin as, shock of all shocks and faster than the speed of light, he replays an uncharacteristic behavior I have blogged about before; falling asleep in my lap, this time with no delay. 

     This long-distance grandma is strengthened and ready... to seize an eternal opportunity. This is why I strive toward mothers-in-law mutual. For my family's best and for prime opportunities.

     I wistfully longed for this grandson-stilled, close-encounter moment. I figuratively bow to my knees and pray, for my daughter's oh so special and energetic 2.5-year-old. I pray for Jesus to guide and protect him... and ask for my grandson's mind and heart to grow to love His Savior God, the Creator of roly-poly bugs.

     Tear puddles form in my eye sockets as I rehearse and re-experience that undeserved, unexpected (stretched, strengthened, and trained-for) grandchild moment. Prayer hasn't always been my natural response in good times. Throughout my sabbatical, the Good-Times Prayer Station is one of the varied and grueling regimens for which I have trained.

     I share this experience, for Mothers-in-laws everywhere to have mutual motivation, for tender, forever... minutes.

Mutual Moments of Impact Therapy

     This morning as I wash and re-use my fast-food plastic cup, and cautiously ration paper towels and napkins, I am reminded of Mom's water-spotted, gallon-sized Ziploc baggies. They air-dried in the dish drainer. In the good old 1970s, she re-used and re-cycled, to save money. It always struck me as hilarious that the wife of a distinguished attorney painstakingly re-cycled inexpensive baggies! I, on the other hand... hmmmm.

     Mom focused on her isolated, creative side in her early 60s: painting. Here I sit, focusing on my isolated, creative side: writing.

     Are we destined to become our parents? Do we have emotional DNA and behaviors that pass down from generation to generation? You might be enlightened by the 3-minute Today Show segment below. My highly dysfunctional background certainly creates potential destructive Moments of Impact (MOI's, explained in a previous blog) as I Mothers-in-Law interact. Mom managed to stubbornly bristled against her own mother and mother-in-law, but appeared to warmly maneuver the mothers-in-law mutual role. In that aspect, she enriched this blogger.

     Simply click the [blue] link below to view a discussion on this topic, and see why looking at the present (combined with looking back) may positively enhance our emotional future. It will take a minute to upload. The sponsor clip beforehand is brief...

Have I turned into my parents?

Mutual Moments of Impact

MOI Nana/DeDe Effect!

    Moments of Impact* (MOIs), technically, are defined as: Triangulated meta-dramas that determine relationship trajectory. It is when two or more individuals stand face-to-face cross-eyed. MOIs can either enhance or create havoc with mutual relationships, because words and actions determine healthy bonds. I share four unsettling, then settled, MOIs:

     MOI #1: I somewhat calmly (and hopefully clearly) share an insecure word picture with my caring and sensitive daughter: Imagine that your husband has two wives, and he favors one more than the other. You are the wife who feels less favored. Thus far, I feel like you are ignoring me, and I feel less favored compared to how you relate with..., and it hurts.

     MOI #2: Another statement tearfully but calmly shared with my oh so understanding daughter: I've shared with you before that somehow I rarely see your Instagram photos (because of the exclusive Apple regime). This long-distance grandma is missing my grandchildren's special moments.

     MOI #3: I share an insecure statement with three temporary cohabitants (actually, two were in-laws and I felt like the out-law): Three times in the last 24 hours I have somehow been left out of our planning. Then I am expected to know about the plans. Surely it is my fault, but it makes me feel stupid. What can I do to be in the loop?

     MOI #4: I share the following steady but tempered reply, responding to a family member's distressed, rapid-fire orders (can an 
I-44 flat tire create a dizzy and bumpy ride, with tense relational moments? YES!): Your orders are increasing my nervousness... I'm very glad you are with me, but you make me feel like an incompetent child... I need to think clearly, and it is impossible with bossy chatter... (OY! Yes, that is basically what I said). Let's first pray before acting during this stressful situation...

     An 11-day road trip, sharing lengthy rides, experiences, and grandchildren with in-laws and my daughter and a ride home with my husband's mother, blossomed with treacherous MOIs around every corner. I may be over-sensitive, but the motto, better to be safe than sorry rings true (especially because of my dysfunctional upbringing and heritage of denial). Words can rarely be taken back or forgotten, especially with family. 

     In younger times, the statements above would have been reactive, expressed defensively and wantonly... or, worse yet, in aloof, passive-aggressive, Tug-of-War fashion. Family dynamics could be strangled... by my senseless insecurities. 

     My preferred Moment of Impact "dance" is to hide. I am a peace-loving person. Hiding was impossible during a busy, adrenaline-spiked, sleep-deprived, people-filled road trip. I intentionally and prayerfully stepped out of my comfort zone to calm vulnerability.

     I did not demand to see immediate, selfish change (a/k/a using manipulative, hovering, Hitler or terrorist tactics). On the other hand, because we desired mutual relationship, we embraced clarity with patient trust, striving to motivate for clear communication (the fine line can be tricky). I am extremely grateful for extended, kindred-spirit family who embrace healthy peace.

     In retrospect, dramatic, tangible change is challenging to put a finger on. Did my expectations morph? It is a mystery. Somehow we all dynamically "danced" and teamed to fully embrace activities like: apple orchard and shopping excursions; diaper changes; bedtime routines (sharing treasured book-reading and bath-time opportunities); housecleaning and meal prep; house-, TV- and shower-sharing;  terri... ummm TREMENDOUS-two bedtime and church-going tensions; AND, complicated highway adventures.
   
     I gag on the (tart) Matrix "red pill" and conclude: Bumpy experiences precede relational MOIs, so remember to nimbly ride through the dizzy, winding chute... and pray for wisdom!

Hiding is a most enviable MOI approach!!

     Ah, hiding in my adorable grandson's safe tunnel is a most enviable relational approach!!!

     *The term "Moments of Impact" is masterfully portrayed in the movie The Vow, as well as the ideas of relational manipulation and motivation.

Mutual Motivation

On Sun, Jun 1, 2014 at 8:52 PM, DeRachel wrote:

It was so nice to be with you all for a very special event.   -DeRach

DeRachel, Thank you so much for sending the pictures. You are so good about taking pictures and having record of important events AND the fun times. I want to make an album for the families for each year. I know I need to have a plan so I don't miss things. Can you share how you do it? Do you use all your own pictures or do you ask for some or get them off fb? I'm trying to figure out the best way to do it.

Thanks again,

On Monday, June 2, 2014, DeRachel wrote:

Good morning! I’m at the computer thinking about the nice time we had together as I gather the pics taken and a few videos (the drive home was good for reviewing my pics & the fun times we had). I’m soooo grateful that our children love the Lord and want to dedicate their children. They are amazing parents. I shared with hubby driving home, “I’d rather invest a little money in gas, travel and prayer now than rescuing a failed marriage” (ever grateful for their loving partnership raising the kids and for your kindred involvement).

I think I told you I’m making a Year One movie for younger g-son (because I created one for older g-son). It is a labor of love, believe me, because it takes time…. but I do have extra time! The movie is turning out great, BTW. If you’d like a copy when it’s done, let me know. I’m glad you’re working on albums!!!! The kids will love them.

You asked how I do what I do for my photo/movie projects:

• I’ve been using both my daughter's and my pics, fb, and video clips. For example, when we both received the recent text with the grape attack, I asked her to re-send it in email because texting takes away the quality of a video (I think texted photos are fine…like the Easter photos of the boys). Make sure she knows what you need picture-wise… I somewhat gently shared my desire with her on one of my visits (I think you were there) telling her I was creating the video and every so often long-distance wanted to be a part of their lives, at least with pics.
• I try to include shots with people other than the kids, too. For Easter I wanted a photo of the men and boys together, but daughter said it didn’t happen. Hopefully next Easter you’ll be able to get one… but I’ve learned that you can never force a picture to happen, especially with men. It just doesn’t work. That’s why the dedication was a perfect opportunity for adding other family to the video.
• It’s best to keep up with the process, but I’ve let months go by and then had to pull old pics and movies off my devices. Either way works, but it always feels good to catch up.
• Are you creating picture albums? You asked my program…for my movie I’m using the Movie Maker program. It’s pretty basic but takes a little practice to get used to it.

I apologize for being so wordy (that’s the blogger coming out) and hope your Ikea run was worthwhile. LOVE Ikea, and so appreciate our friendship.  - DeRach

Thanks, DeRachel. This is very helpful. You've given me some good ideas. I let the girls know that I am making albums for 2014, so they are going to send me some of their photos that I may not have. I really want to make an album of last year's wedding and all the fun things we did. Then I thought, I can't NOT make just one album of 2013 since the baby was born then, so my albums have increased. Lol I just want to get as many projects done as I can now while I'm not working.

We, too are thankful that our kids love the Lord and want to raise their children according to God's word. Marriage and parenting are hard enough, but having the Lord and a good circle of support is immeasurable, don't you think? I'm actually glad for my freedom to help both families right now. I think of that every time I think I should be looking for a job. 

I'm going for a couple of weeks when the our new grandson is 6wks - 8wks old so he won't have to go to daycare too early. That will be in October most likely.

The email thread above is not contrived or embellished.
Names are changed or omitted, just because.
 Is the communication between two besties?
Well, it could be, IF one defines bestie as:
Two cautious mothers-in-law who desire the
mutual best  for shared children and grandchildren.

Our Ikea run was a little disappointing. I wanted to look at several carts but they didn't have some of them in stock. I did get the one cart that I wanted for outside entertaining, but I really wanted another one for our second microwave. They have the best price and the right size. They also had other things that I wanted to look at but didn't feel I had the time. Sooooo that means another trip to Chicago haha. We are getting an Ikea but not until fall 2015 I think. 

I sure have enjoyed getting to know you two more over the recent years. AND I love the traveling companionship. Look forward to many more years. 

Hope you have a good day. Thanks again for the insights. Love,

2010's Nana/DeDe adventures begin