Grandma / Moana Connection

        Young mom nightmares could make me into an obsessive clean freak. They include a surprise visit from our pastor, investigating our mold-infested parsonage bathroom on a Monday morning. He plunged through our living room's land mine of toys like an obstacle course. And then there was our middle-school-aged guest who scrawled "Thank You" into my child's dust-covered bedroom mirror. In other words, I helped others feel good about their own housekeeping skills.
         My disjointed family heritage experienced hurt feelings because of disarray and unmet expectations. Criticisms between my mom and her mom (my grandmother) were shot back and forth, creating heated generational divides. To the extent that their mother/daughter visits were close to nil, despite living just 45 minutes apart. 
      For various sad reasons, grandfathers were out of the picture. Having even one steady grandparent or grandparent-like figure in our lives, tolerant or otherwise, was something my 5 active siblings and I lacked. Fortunately, with grace, truth, and time, hindsight can be 20/20. Blogging helped me to see the negative ripple effect intolerance created through the generations. And having my own grandchildren helped me to see my grandmother's unmet expectations; to normalize the generational tensions; to not repeat them; and, most importantly, to move past them.
      The key idea is that children of all ages need their parents, but a bonus relationship is a healthy Grandma/Moana-like connection. At first glance, in the animated Disney movie "Moana," wise Grandma Tala appeared to be a bit off-her-rocker. In reality, she was solidly there for her searching granddaughter. Tala knew that her grounded heritage knowledge was invaluable. Grandma Tala was the actual heroine in the movie as she guided Moana--to venture out to find her found, for the sake of their endangered tribe.
     I strive to be there for my long-distance family, in supportive ways. It would, however, be impossible unless I had found myself. I had issues, spelled with a capital "I". Similar to the woman in Luke 15:8, searching for her lost silver coin. She added light to her search, to spot a valued missing item. She swept the floors, not for the purpose of cleaning, but for finding. She probably got down on her hands and knees, and the by-product of her thorough search was clean floors. Clean floors happened, but that was secondary. She got down-and-dirty to find her found. That silver coin was her key to sustenance, self-respect, and salvation. 

A vivid memory: Dress-up, summer 1960's style
Styling heels, a fancy hat, & pearl necklace
A rare visit with my Wilmette Grandmother
Her shadow is in the forefront

      Connecting first with ourselves equals the earnestness of the woman's need for that silver coin. It can take time to find missing "self." For some, it is cloaked in the deep and dark recesses. Light and time are needed, combined with prayerful intention; because only God knows the heart. As a result, we embrace an inner-sustenance. Rather than pushing expectations onto others and connecting with family out of neediness, we strive to do it as an overflow. We have more of ourselves to give.
     Searching and connection are both messy, but those two processes ultimately put the pieces of our scattered lives together. It takes time; it makes us vulnerable; it cannot be forced. Today, after 4 years of blogging to "Find my Found," I feel more grounded. For the sake of my family, I am a tolerant, salt-&-pepper (or silver-&-gold) grandma. Tolerance is helpful in other aspects, as well, but particularly in regard to housekeeping and orderliness when with my grandchildren. 
     Maybe tolerance creates the difference between cool versus crazy-cray. Cool empty-nesters embrace a larger perspective that marries with an intentional, pre-determined mindset. To understand that young families face busy life-in-pieces. Their lives, as well as children's clothing sizes, activities, and overall needs are ever in-flux. It is inevitable. They do things differently than we did, and they have clutter. (Admittedly, I eagerly contribute clothing, books, and toys to their clutter-cause). Connection is a two-way street with give-and-take perks. We need balanced support and encouragement from each other as we attempt to distinguish between helping versus enmeshment, woven with connection.

      Connection means that I welcome invites to my daughter's starter rental, to be with her and the grands. Sporadically, for just a few nights and days of our lives, who cares about strewn toys, tattered books, spilled food, nasty morning diapers, foul breath, and eye boogers. And, creative sleeping arrangements. The important thing is to be there. Cool.versus.crazy-cray. I enter into their world and choose to chill (stay Grandma Tala "cool").
     Our empty-nester home has moved past the "in-pieces" phase; it is history. Now, because of hormonal forgetfulness disguised as temporary insanity, I crave order and embrace helpful organization. Our surroundings stay fairly tidy after being straightened, unless crafting phases or organization overhauls occur. Every so often, I do take extra steps to thoroughly disinfect and dust (not my favorite things). Any time our long-distance daughter's little ones want to visit, they are more than welcome to be our tumbling tumble weeds, and they might even add (accidental) character marks and untidiness to our orderly home.

      This idea may be on the dreamy spectrum and not for every grandparent. In fact, it probably isn't for the obsessive, the faint-of-heart, nor is it needed for idyllic Beaver Cleaver families. Just keep it as food-for-thought, in the back recesses of the mind. 
      Beware of toys on the floor (watch your step), books missing a peek-a-boo flap or two (be creative), embrace using either unbreakable or paper plates (a sanity saver), and heed to potty-training puddles and floods (baby wipes work disinfecting wonders). And, note the emphasis in the previous paragraph's two key words: Invites and a few days (exception: stay longer for a baby's birth). Especially for empty-nesters, being 24/7 with young children and babies can be quite unsettling at times... and, semi-hazardous for compromised backs and ankles. 
      For those who do venture into the wild, keep the unsolicited, critical lips zipped. After a time, and at the appropriate hour, if our input is needed, someone will ask. I recall Grandma Tala's posture. She dared to appear "off-kilter" as she waited. She observed and was ultimately there at the pivotal hour to provide guidance... when Granddaughter Moana asked for it and needed it most. 

      Whether or not we realize it, those disordered, life-in-pieces together-times do help to keep us all young-at-heart. It takes patience, time, and hard work to develop heritage connection. The benefit is that positive, indelible character marks can be imprinted. Be prepared for crazy-cray accusations to surface. After all, getting down-and-dirty, on our hands and knees, like the woman searching for her lost coin, is the posture needed for praying and playing.

"Down-&-dirty" Gold Ninjago Costume Sewing, October 2017

Cherish.Genuine.24/7

DeRachel